Shirt...

… Meets One Doctor, 1.2 Children & a Couple of Writers

BIGGINS	SHIRT	BUCKFIELD

The release of Large Endings’ Christmas romp, ”The One Doctor”, starring Christopher Biggins and Clare Buckfield as a fake Doctor and companion, beside the first audio pairing of Colin Baker and Bonnie Langford, was eagerly anticipated by our chums.

“Let’s hope that one of the shops gets Mr. Biggins”, opined Shirt.

Good News – Seventh Galaxy did.

Bad News – Due to Mr. Biggins’ other commitments, namely that he was playing Dame in a panto in Canterbury (Oh No He Wasn’t ! Oh Yes He Was !), the signing was to take place on a Monday lunchtime, and would also take the form of a Christmas party.

Chalky was therefore, unable to go, as the school at which he was teaching had not broken up yet (still, it was the last week, surely someone else could have supervised the kiddies playing board games). Dufus spent a long time deciding whether to take a “sickie”, and when the day of the signing dawned, ironically found that he was sick, and therefore, unable to go. Shirt, on the other hand, decided to make use of the generous supply of leave given to him by the Probation Service, and attend the signing (the presence of food AND Clare Buckfield had no impact on his decision obviously).

Catching the train from his home station for a change, and going via a cheap bookshop in Victoria (where he picked up four cheap Eighth Doctor books), Shirt wended his way to Barking, arriving only a few minutes before the event was about to start.

Shirt was surprised to see a queue, believing that there was likely to be only himself, the staff and the guests at such a time (obviously DW fans either have generous leave entitlement or are mainly unemployed/unemployable). Entering Seventh Galaxy, Shirt picked up the three copies of the CD ordered by Dufus earlier by phone (which were to be his present to the others), as well as a copy of the overpriced first Telos novella which Dufus had also ordered. He was also surprised at the large number of copies of the CD that were piled up all around. Picking up a copy of the first FANZ comedy audio, he moved to the desk to pay.

“You’ve certainly got enough copies of ‘The One Doctor’”, he told Little Ted.

“Yes, much to the annoyance of a certain OTHER place, who couldn’t get ANY”, he replied.

“Yes, but have you got any signed ‘Instruments of Darkness’?”, asked Shirt, remembering he’d promised to get one for Chalky.

“No, but Gary Russell (the author) will be here, and you can get it signed then.”

Having paid for said items, Shirt joined the queue. Among the familiar faces were some new ones, including a woman complaining to her friend in the loudest possible voice about the fact that the shop had had no photos of Clare Buckfield, and that Clare had not brought any herself. Shirt considered asking her what sort of market there was for Clare Buckfield photos but thought better of it. Overhearing people at the front of the queue, Shirt learnt that some had been standing there for nearly two hours (but were only ten people in front of him).

One by one, guests trickled past; Jason Haigh-Ellery, Alistair Lock, Clayton Hickman, Gary Russell, Rob Shearman (What’s he doing here?), his wife and supporting actress in “TOD” Jane Goddard (Oh!), Clare Buckfield (in a fetching “urchin”-style cap), Christopher Biggins, and Anthony (I know I’m not in the audio, but I’ll turn up for the opening of an envelope) Keetch. A regular in the queue behind me, then started panicking that Gareth Roberts, the reason he had turned up, was not there. However, Mr. Roberts then appeared in the doorway of the shop drinking a cup of coffee (catastrophe averted).

The queue didn’t seem to be moving, until someone spotted that people in the shop who had just bought the CD (including Shirt noticed, SLAVE one of the newest recruits to the local group) were then moving down the table meeting the guests. As no-one was directing the queue, the first few people took the initiative and joined the back of the queue inside. This continued until about ten minutes later, Shirt was also in the small queue inside. First up was Jane Goddard, sitting perched at the end of the table happily signing any covers proffered to her, oblivious that people were coming out of the shop asking “Who the flipping heck was that !”. She signed Shirt’s three covers (to the right people), and passed them along to the writers Clayton & Gareth, who were discussing whether they should go and “see ‘Biggins’ in Canterbury”. Covers signed, along with two of Gareth’s best books and Clayton’s best covers, Shirt found himself in front of Clare, who had already signed the three covers. Shirt proffered the DWM cartoon of her, and with an understanding “humour the sci-fi fans” smile (similar to that of Gemma Bissix), she signed it.

‘Biggins’ himself was next. Shirt was taken aback at how like the person that he was impersonating in the audio, Mr. Biggins was. The loud voice, slightly camp manner, rotundity and thinning white hair, brought up images of the Sixth Doctor as he is now. The three covers and cartoon signed, Shirt asked for a photo. Grabbing SLAVE who was helpfully passing by at just the right moment, Shirt thrust his camera into SLAVE’s hands. Standing behind Buckfield and Biggins, Shirt smiled whilst as ever his flash failed to work on the first picture. Retrieving his camera, thanking the two again, and noticing that Messrs. Lock, Russell & Haigh-Ellery were in a conspiratorial huddle, Shirt enquired of Humpty when the food would be served, and was advised to hang around for twenty minutes outside.

Having wasted fifteen minutes browsing in other shops in the Centre, Shirt arrived back at the shop just in time to find “Gareth Robert’s biggest fan” singing his idol’s praises to Gary Russell, before asking how he could submit a proposal to Big Finish. Mr. Russell politely told him that they were not accepting unsolicited submissions at the moment as the range was planned until 2004. This however, did not stop the fan telling Mr. Russell in great detail about this proposal that a friend and he had been working on for several years. The conversation ended with another polite statement from Mr. Russell that they were not going to be accepting submissions in the near future.

Having had a brief conversation with SLAVE, the queue finished, and all the people milling around were allowed back into the shop to devour sausage-rolls, crisps and other such party food, whilst the guests continued signing the mail-order stocks. Clare Buckfield, however, left the shop for a call of nature, and was directed to the public conveniences by a member of staff not aware of the posh Centre staff ones. On entering, Shirt noticed that Gary Russell and Jason Haigh-Ellery were now signing the mail-order covers, and so asked them to sign his three covers (and Chalky’s book), which they obliged. Alistair Lock had been cornered by one-time gang-member Cwej, and so Shirt and SLAVE moved to the table of goodies. Clare had by now returned, and found a pile of around 100 covers in her place, which she had to catch up on.

Everyone seemed to be struggling not to put their plates of food down on the merchandise, and there was a grand exchange of Christmas cards between BF staff. The guests reached the halfway point, and went outside for a breath of fresh air, disappointingly not mingling with the customers. Cwej finally let Alistair Lock go, and Shirt jumped in and got the three covers signed. After agreeing with Little Ted that they would exchange it next time they came to the shop, Shirt was given another copy of “Instruments of Darkness” for Dufus, which Gary Russell dutifully signed. Stuffing his pockets with the free sweets, and bidding SLAVE goodbye, Shirt left the shop, and wended his way home, doing a final bit of Christmas shopping on the way.

[PL]