The fridge was built for YOU...so take advantage!!
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Actual article from the LA Times: "In retrospect, lighting the match was my big mistake. But I was only trying to retrieve the gerbil," Eric Tomaszewski told bemused doctors in the Severe Burn Unit of Salt Lake City Hospital. Tomaszewski, and his homosexual partner Andrew "Kiki" Farnum, had been admitted for emergency treatment after a felching session had gone seriously wrong. "I pushed a cardboard tube up his rectum and slipped Raggot, our gerbil, in," he explained. "As usual, Kiki shouted out "Armageddon", my cue that he'd had enough. I tried to retrieve Raggot but he wouldn't come out again, so peered into the tube and struck a match, thinking that the light would attract him." At a hushed press conference, a hospital spokesperson described what happened next. "The match ignited a pocket of intestinal gas and a flame shot out the tubing, igniting Mr. Tomaszewski's hair and severely burning his face. It also set fire to the gerbil's fur and whiskers which in turn ignited a larger pocket of gas further up the intestine, propelling the rodent out like a cannonball." Tomaszewski suffered second degree burns and a broken nose from the impact of the gerbil, while Farnum suffered first and second degree burns to his anus and lower intestinal tract. |
If you got an idea...e'mail me. The correct answer will be unveiled later!!
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Garth on base Y'all play ball PEORIA, ARIZONA - Now that Garth Brooks has tried out with the San Diego Padres, country stars everywhere are taking to the field. "Just call me The Man In Black Pin Stripes," said Johnny Cash as he took batting practice with the New York Yankees. "My reflexes ain't what they useta be, but I'm still seeing the ball really well. I could prove handy as a pinch hitter down the stretch." Other country stars on the diamond include Merle Haggard (center
field, Seattle Mariners), Wynonna Judd (short stop, Baltimore
Orioles), and Country Gentleman Tommy Hunter, who hopes to find a
place catching with the beleaguered Montreal Expos.
"Tommy's got all the tools," said Expo Manager Felipe Alou. "And he comes cheap. Which is far more important for our team." Grand Olde Opry legend Hank Snow is vying for a spot pitching middle relief with the Florida Marlins. "I've already written a song called Split Finger Blues. And I'm working on a new version of I've Been Everywhere for every team in the major and minor leagues. Anyone got a rhyme for Toledo Mudhens?" |
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Area man’s Dixie wrecked An area man’s Dixie wrecked into a light pole on the corner of Longview Rd. and Cummings Dr. last night, police say. The man, 42-year old Robert Paulie, couldn’t believe what happened. "I sure loved that Dixie," he said, "I can’t believe it!" "I mean, I was just checking out this really hot chick walking down the road and all of a sudden my Dixie wrecked!" Paulie continued by saying that he thought his Dixie couldn’t be wrecked. "I’m getting old," he said, "so I didn’t think I’d ever say ‘my Dixie wrecked’ again." "It hasn’t been wrecked in a long time." Paulie had wrecked his previous Dixies on two other occasions, once in 1987 and once in 1979. Police were stunned as well. "This old guy’s Dixie wrecked? Ha!" said policeman Phil Elkhorn. "I thought he was way too old for that. I guess his Dixie’s got some life in it yet." Paulie owns two other cars: a 1994 Coxie and a 1989 Johnsonsie. |
Pittsburgh Pirate Baseball...
"Big Hopes and Big Lips"
Click The Pic To Go To Pirateball.com
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The chief of staff of the US Air Force decided that he would personally intervene in the recuiting crisis affecting all of our armed services. So, he directed that a nearby Air Force base be opened and that all elgible young men and women be invited. As he and his staff were standing near an brand new F-15 Fighter, a pair of twin brothers who looked like they had just stepped off a Marine Corps recruiting poster walked up to them. The chief of staff walked up to them, stuck out his hand and introduced himself. He looked at the first young man and asked, "Son, what skills can you bring to the Air Force?" The young man looks at him and says, "I'm a pilot!" The general gets all excited, turns to his aide and says, "Get him in today, all the paper work done, everything, do it!" The aide hustles the young man off. The general looks at the second young man and asked,"What skills to you bring to the Air Force?" The young man says, "I chop wood!" "Son," the general replies, "we don't need wood choppers in the Air Force, what do you know how to do?" "I chop wood!" "Young man," huffs the general, "you are not listening to me, we don't need wood choppers, this is the 20th century!" "Well," the young man says, "you hired my brother!" "Of course we did," says the general, "he's a pilot!" The young man rolls his eyes and says, "Dang it, I have to chop it before he can pile it!" |
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Our staff has completed the 3 kears of work on time and on budget. We have gone through everk line of code in everk program in everk skstem. We have analkzed all databases, all data files, including backups and historic archives, and modified all data to reflect the change. We are proud to report that we have completed the "Y-to-K" change mission, and have now implemented all changes to all programs and all data to reflect the following new standards: Januark, Februark, March, April, Mak, June, Julk, August, September, October, November, December and... Sundak, Mondak, Tuesdak, Wednesdak, Thursdak, Fridak, Saturdak. further... Kears were a breeze, since thek are onlk spelled out in the Legal department's applications, and won't be effected until two thousand and twentk ankwak. I trust that this is satisfactork, because to be honest, none of this Y-to-K problem has made ank sense to us. But we understand it is a global problem, and our team is glad to help in ank wak possible. And what does the kear 2000 have to do with it? We'll await kour answer."
Sincerelk, |
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Bill Clinton and his wife Hillary were at a baseball game when the man sitting behind Bill whispers something into Bills ear, Bill Clinton stands up and throws Hillary on the baseball field. The man that was sitting behind Bill said, 'No, NO, I said throw the first pitch! |
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» The average human eats 8 spiders in their lifetime at night.
» A cockroach can live nine days without its head before it starves to death. » A rhinoceros horn is made of compacted hair. » The shortest war in history was between Zanzibar an England in 1896. Zanzibar surrendered after 38 minutes. » A polar bear's skin is black. Its fur is not white, but actually clear. » Elvis had a twin brother named Garon, who died at birth, which is why Elvis' middle name was spelled Aron; in honor of his brother. » Dueling is legal in Paraguay as long as both parties are registered blood donors. » Donald Duck comics were banned in Finland because he doesn't wear pants. » More people are killed by donkeys annually than are killed in plane crashes. » Stewardesses is the longest word typed with only the left hand. » Shakespeare invented the word "assassination" and "bump." » Marilyn Monroe had six toes. » If you keep a Goldfish in the dark room, it will eventually turn white. » Women blink nearly twice as much as men. » Right handed people live, on average, nine years longer than left handed people do. » The sentence "the quick brown fox jumps over the lazy dog" uses every letter in the english language. » The name of all the continents end with the same letter that they start with. » The word "lethologica" describes the state of not being able to remember the word you want. » TYPEWRITER, is the longest word that can be made using the letters only one row of the keyboard. » If the population of China walked past you in single file, the line would never end because of the rate of reproduction » The word racecar and kayak are the same whether they are read left to right or right to left. » A snail can sleep for 3 years. » American Airlines saved $40,000 in 1987 by eliminating one olive from each salad served in first-class. » China has more English speakers than the United States. » The Eisenhower interstate system requires that one-mile in every five must be straight. These straight sections are usable as airstrips in times of war or other emergencies. » Vatican City is the smallest country in the world, with a population of 1000 and a size 108.7 acres. » The longest town name in the world has 167 letters. » Did you know you share your birthday with at least 9 other million people in the world. » "I am." is the shortest complete sentence in the English language. » The longest word in the English language is 1909 letters long and it refers to a distinct part of DNA. » No president of the United States was an only child. » The Boston University Bridge (on Commonwealth Avenue, Boston, Massachusetts) is one of the few places in the world where a boat can sail under a train driving under a car driving under an airplane. » Cats have over one hundred vocal sounds, dogs only have about ten. » Our eyes are always the same size from birth, but our nose and ears. never stop growing. » David Prowse, was the guy in the Darth Vader suit in Star Wars. He spoke all of Vader's lines, and didn't know that he was going to be dubbed over by James Earl Jones until he saw the screening of the movie. » Many hamsters only blink one eye at a time. » In every episode of Seinfeld there is a Superman somewhere. » If Barbie were life-size her measurements would be 39-23-33. She would stand seven feet, two inches tall and have a neck twice the length of a normal human's neck. » Feb 1865 and Feb 1999 are the only months in recorded history not to have a full moon. » Montpelier, Vermont is the only U.S. state capital without a McDonald's. » The Pentagon, in Arlington, Virginia, has twice as many bathrooms as is necessary. When it was built in the 1940s, the state of Virginia still had segregation laws requiring separate toilet facilities for blacks and whites. » No word in the English language rhymes with month. » The cruise liner, Queen Elizabeth II, moves only six inches for each gallon of diesel that it burns. » There are two credit cards for every person in the United States. » Isaac Asimov is the only author to have a book in every Dewey-decimal category. » Columbia University is the second largest landowner in New York City, after the Catholic Church. » Cat's urine glows under a black light. » Back in the mid to late 80's, an IBM compatible computer wasn't considered a hundred percent compatible unless it could run Microsoft's Flight Simulator. » The first Ford cars had Dodge engines. » Leonardo Da Vinci invented the scissors. » It takes about a half a gallon of water to cook macaroni, and about a gallon to clean the pot. » The name Wendy was made up for the book "Peter Pan." » Babies are born without knee caps. They don't appear until the child reaches 2-6 years of age. » The highest point in Pennsylvania is lower than the lowest point in Colorado. » Nutmeg is extremely poisonous if injected intravenously. » If you have three quarters, four dimes, and four pennies, you have $1.19. You also have the largest amount of money in coins without being able to make change for a dollar. » The most common name in the world is Mohammed. » Michael Jordan makes more money from Nike annually than all of the Nike factory workers in Malaysia combined. » No NFL team which plays it's home games in a domed stadium has ever won a Superbowl. » The first toilet ever seen on television was on "Leave It to Beaver". » In the great fire of London in 1666 half of London was burnt down but only 6 people were injured » Frank Lloyd Wright's son invented Lincoln Logs. » One of the reasons marijuana is illegal today because cotton growers in the 30s lobbied against hemp farmers -- they saw it as competition. It is not chemically addictive as is nicotine, alcohol, or caffeine. » The only two days of the year in which there are no professional sports games (MLB, NBA, NHL, or NFL) are the day before and the day after the Major League All-Star Game. » Only one person in two billion will live to be 116 or older. |
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