I used to sleep.
  used to dream, too
until the spinnings of destruction caught me up in their game
    and dreaming became something I couldn't afford.
not anymore.
  until the price of holding on became greater
         than the price of letting go
     and victory
           cut more deeply than defeat
               and wanting was easier than having could ever be.
I accepted it then -
              this endlessly heavy burden of a half a life
  the unbearable need that comes from seeing and hearing
  but never
        - never -
        touching you...
from looking in on you through dirty windowpanes
   crusted over with the mark of your paranoia
                   your not-quite grip on sanity that spins
 just as fast and just as hard
        as the twisting grip of their plans and lies and secrets
             that could destroy the world.
                             have destroyed my soul
                       and your hopes
  because the absence of light, sometimes
         is far more profound than any darkness can express.